Expectations and Praise

I was thinking today about some of the sermons I listened to from the Unitarian Universalist Church of Danbury, where I am a member. Once per month, the church has a layperson lead the sermon, which leads to quite a fun variety in church services.

I specifically recall one where Joni Lowe, owner of Positive Energy Dance in Brookfield, talked about "the brag" and the "updive." Defying one of the pervasive aspects of our culture where people tend to hear more criticism than they do praise (whether or not it is true), the brag is a purposeful announcement of accomplishment in some area of one's life. It could be as simple as "I picked my dirty socks up from off the floor this morning," to "I found the cure to cancer." The updive is the purposeful response containing only high praise ("You picked up your socks, when really you didn't have to? Wow! Way to get organized!" "You found the cure for cancer? You deserve a Nobel Prize.")

The intent is to cultivate a culture wherein merit is given where merit is due, even for the merest and smallest of chores, even things that are expected or easy. Yes, I can expect that people should clean up after themselves, but really, that's my placing a personal value judgment to an action. Action (and inaction) exists no matter my opinion.

I bring this up only because my co-worker today mentioned that she was going to pick up her daughter's report card. Her daughter has been a straight A student since kindergarten (she is now in high school), and got an 84 in math. My co-worker was stressed out about her husband's reaction to their daughter's slip in the grade. Then she shared with me that he would criticize their daughter even if she got a 98 on a test ("What happened to the other two points?") rather than praising her for getting a good grade in the first place.

I can attest from personal experience that this is a dangerous road to take on a child's grades.

I can understand where we're allowed to have certain expectations in certain relationships and in communities, jobs, etc. However, our expectations can lead to a lot of disappointment and conflict. There has to be give and take, and there has to be praise and recognition of the positive, and if an expectation is not met, there has to be a fair dialogue. Meaning, if I expect something of another person and they don't meet my expectation, I have to determine whether or not it is a fair expectation, and if I'm sure it is, how can I and the other person work together to have it met...if the other person is even interested in meeting it.
Of course, this isn't always easy. But, that's life. It is a work in progress.

I'm not a parent, so I have the luxury of time to think and consider my actions. I hope that if one day I have a child who gets a 98 on a test, I will say, "Great job! I'm so proud of you!" And if the question she or he missed is an indication that they needed to study that particular part of the topic a little more, I'd help them with it. Becaue it's my expectation that they do their best and improve upon themselves when they can.

Anyway, anyone who reads this blog is totally allowed to leave a brag, to which I will respond with an updive, no matter how insignificant your action may have been to some.